“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” – Romans 8:31

”’Wasteland’ is about feeling like, ‘Man, we’re at the bottom, but there is some hope.’” -Bear Rinehart

Do you have songs on your favorites list because you can relate to them so well? Almost like the song was written for or about you? I have many relatable songs from the band NeedtoBreathe on my favorites list. I don’t always understand their creative lyrics, but they strike such a chord in me when I do. Their song, Wasteland, wasn’t always one I would listen to repeatedly. I didn’t fall in love with it right away. I will admit that I didn’t like too many of their songs during that time. I grew to love NeedtoBreathe more and more because of the depth of their lyrics and passion for performing great music. I finally got it when I rediscovered this song a couple of years ago. The lyrics moved and worked in my brain like the perfect turning of a combination lock. The click was so satisfying.

From what I understand, the band was going through some pretty rocky stuff before and during the writing of their album Rivers in the Wasteland. The creative minds behind their songs are two brothers. I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it must be to write, produce, and record music with a sibling. In a conversation with Billboard Magazine, lead vocalist and music writer Bear Rinehart talked about how close he and his brother were to ending the band. The strife and turmoil in the group left them feeling pretty down. Bear talks about why the song, Wasteland, is so special to him. “A lyric in the song says, ‘there’s a crack in the door filled with light,’ that is really where we were when we started the record. It was bleak, but at the same time, something was happening.”

Over the last few years, I have seen my life in this song, which brings me profound joy. I can look back on my adult life from the perspective of great sorrow and anger in a desolate, dark, and sinful state of mind, or I can look at it from the standpoint of a wasteland with “a crack in the door filled with light.” A hope. My 12-year journey of battling severe anxiety and depression was very bleak, but like Bear Rinehart, something was happening.

”Wasteland”

I’m the first one in line to die when the calvary comes
Yeah, it feels like the great divide has already come
Yeah, I’m wastin’ my way through days
Losing youth along the way

Oh, if God is on my side
Oh, if God is on my side
Oh, if God is on my side
Who can be against me?

There was a greatness I felt for a while
But somehow it changed
Some kind of blindness I used to protect me
From all of my stains
Yeah, I wish this was vertigo
It just feels like I’m fallin’ slow

Oh, if God is on my side
Then who can be against me?

Yeah in this wasteland where I’m livin’
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it’s all that I need to get by
Yeah, in this wasteland where I’m livin’
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it’s all that I need to shine

All of these people I meet
It seems like they’re fine
Yeah, in some ways I hope that they’re not
And their hearts are like mine
Yeah it’s wrong when it seems like work
To belong all I feel is hurt

Oh, if God is on my side
Yeah, if God is on my side
Oh, if God is on my side
Who can be against me?

Yeah in this wasteland where I’m livin’
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it’s all that I need to get by
Yeah, in this wasteland where I’m livin’
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it’s all that I need to shine

Oh, if God is on my side
Yeah, if God is on my side
Oh, if God is on my side
Who can be against me?

At my worst, my mind was fixed on the exhaustion and seemingly endless cycle of depression. My spiritual health was a 2/10 at best. I had forgotten the joy of the Lord and stubbornly relied on my own strength. I was certain there was no hope for me or way out of this vicious merry-go-round. I saw happy people with seemingly perfect lives wishing their hearts were broken like mine. I was drowning in my loneliness and drowning in others’ happiness. I tried to belong; I tried to press on in my own strength; I wanted to suck it up and be happy, but to belong, all I felt was hurt. I could put on a happy face at work and maybe feel a second of joy, but I was quickly reminded of the dreaded cycle when I got home. My mind was captivated by the lie that I was not worthy enough for God to be on my side. Yes, my brain chemistry was off, but I was also not tapping into the relief a Christ-centered life could bring. I was only focused on what I could or could not do for myself. The first time I heard this song, I didn’t get it. Life was bleak.

As time went on and I began to turn my eyes to Jesus, this song resonated more and more in my soul. Something was happening.

Even in my darkest hours and most difficult circumstances, I have always seen the Holy Spirit in my soul as a pilot light in the center of my chest. A pilot light constantly burns; it never goes out. It is a tiny yet mighty flame used to ignite a larger light. This pilot light in my heart remained lit through the storms of defeat and hopelessness. In the psych hospital the first time, it was lit. In the psych hospital, the 15th time, it was lit. It may not have ignited any burners in me, but it was still aflame.

The chorus is the best part, to me. I feel that I have lived in a wasteland. The wasteland is dry, barren, hot, lonely, dark. But there has always been “a crack in the door filled with light.” The sliver of light has been God the whole time—my pilot light. There have been so many times that I thought the thin strip of luminescence should be bigger, that I wouldn’t be able to get by without all the light shining on me. But God knew I needed a small sliver so I could run wholeheartedly toward it, toward Him. I think about it like this: I wouldn’t reject a tiny cup of water offered at the end of the race. I would really need that water and be glad to have it because it is “all I need to get by.” Yes, I need more water, but the amount given will give me the strength to search for more water. Living Water.

I’m listening to this beautiful song as I write this post. I imagine a vast desert with a door in the distance. The door is barely open, maybe a centimeter, but I can see a bright light bursting out, and I cannot take my eyes off it. The wasteland is becoming more bearable now, and I feel I can get by another day. As I approach the door, the drums enter the scene with a powerful, encouraging fill before the repeated chorus. Bear comes in stronger, with instruments and voices backing up his determination. I sing along with him, proclaiming that the “crack in the door filled with light is all that I need to shine.” I can shine in the wasteland because I know God is with me. His promises are still true whether I’m standing in the quicksand of despondency or at the top of Mount Contentment. The pilot light is now sparking to light up burners of hope, perspective, endurance, and faith. He never left; He got me by. But now I shine. If God is on my side, who can be against me?

Lord, I pray for those tired souls that desire some kind of light as a relief in their wasteland. I pray that they yearn for You, the Living Water, the Prince of Peace, our Merciful Savior. I pray that when they notice the light is You, they search for it all the more knowing that You are all they need. In Jesus’ name, Amen.