“Call it the Christmas cloud — that unwelcome shadow suspended over many in December.” -Dave Harvey

Every Advent season seems to center on the theme of light in the darkness. Of course. Why not? We celebrate the Light of the World who came to pierce the darkness. It is easy to forget the power of this annual metaphor. I have heard it so many times from pastors on solemn yet joyous Christmas Eves, surrounded by churchgoers in a dark sanctuary with individually lit candles. We sing an a capella Silent Night, lift our candles high, and quote John 1:5. Don’t get me wrong, it is a beautiful sight that fills my heart with hope and my eyes with tears for a moment. But I get used to it, and that moment is clipped shorter every year. My heart becomes so calloused with the weight I give lesser lights that the True Light grows dim.

As I have gotten older, I have noticed my Decembers grow more gloomy and dark, with the stressors many people endure this time of year: family obligations, gift-buying, traveling, fast-paced living, etc. With my brain, these stressors seem to quickly take the shape of a big, hairy depression monster who leads me to dark rooms of overstimulation and instability. Life feels out of control during this season, and I like to be in control. When life feels chaotic, my emotions become stronger than the facts. Anger, sadness, confusion, loneliness, and hopelessness are the certainties.

When I am convinced of these “certainties,” there is nothing or no one that can lift me out of this darkness except Jesus. Sometimes He waits. Sometimes my gaze is far too inward to notice Him. Sometimes I sit in the gloom for a while. But when His gracious light shines on my weary soul and the Spirit speaks truth to me, my heart becomes aware of a more vibrant and radiant certainty than I could ever imagine. The certainty that Jesus came and dwelt among us, died for us, rose again, and is coming back. Praise God.

Oftentimes, the darkness is lifted by a timely word from a brother or sister in Christ or a specific part of a book or devotional that feels like it was meant for me in that very moment. Both of these helped the light shine through tumultuous clouds this December. Darkness Then Light: Stories of Illumination for the Season of Advent from Christianity Today was given to me by a friend at the beginning of this Advent season. I read the story for day one, but then the gloom took over. Reading any further was pointless. Days went by with no desire to read anything remotely spiritual, nor desire to even pray. After an inspiring, Light-filled sermon, I picked the devotional back up and read the story from day three, “The Christmas Cloud” by Dave Harvey.

Dave was speaking directly to me, it seemed: “emotionally exiled to the outdoors — peering through frosted windows at friends and families enjoying Christmas cheer. Inside is warmth and wonder. Outside, we’re wrapped in scarves of sadness.” I suspect Texas Decembers have more sunshine than most parts of the country. This year has been pretty warm with very few gloomy, cold days. My internal days, however, are more like dreary rainy London than sunny warm Texas.  Snap out of it! Feel the joy and merriness everyone else is feeling! Focus on the reason for the season, not the superficial obligations! I say all of this to myself in hopes that my berating will turn my heavy clouds of shame into light, bouncy optimism in a quick moment. Of course, that doesn’t happen. Every negative feeling takes over my extremities all the way to my heart, like a worsening case of black frostbite.

BUT

Dave reminded me that there is an eternal, sustained fact under all the fickle feelings, a sun that is always behind the clouds, namely, “Christ has come. Christ is here. Christ will come again.” His perspective on the unceasing light of Christ shining behind our dense clouds helped me see the hope, joy, and vibrancy of John 1:5, and to put fact and faith over feelings.

“I cannot make myself happy, but I can remind myself of my belief. I can exhort myself to believe, I can address my soul as the Psalmist did in Psalm 42: ‘Why art thou cast down O my soul, and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou’ . . . believe thou, trust thou.” -David Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression

“Remember, you didn’t receive Christ as an ever-present emotion. You didn’t become a follower of a feeling. Something far greater happened. . . Beams of gospel light pierced your clouded heart. The cloud parted, if only for a moment. You responded to the gospel. The Light won.”

By coming down to earth, by becoming the light, by becoming flesh and dwelling among us, by dying on a cross, Jesus became forever a living hope for every gloomy December I will ever experience. I am not trying to create a silver lining for every cloud. The clouds will remain, whether thick or thin. From time to time, they will be dark and ominous, waiting to pour down a storm. But I pray we remember that the Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, Mighty God is always behind all of it, ready to pierce through and shine His glorious rays on His beloved.

“Imagine the time in your life when you felt the most loved. Now multiply that by a trillion, trillion, trillion. Imagine the time in your life when you felt the most understood, the most appreciated, the most adored, the most secure, the most significant. . . So you have to take the few moments in your life that you’ve experienced some of that multiplied by a trillion, trillion, trillion, and that is God. God is infinitely happy. God is infinitely loving. God is experiencing love and joy. The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit are just pouring joy and love and glory into each other’s souls endlessly. They’re bathed in the joy of each other. They’re bathed in the love of each other. They are therefore infinitely happy, infinitely joyful, infinitely loving. And you know, why would God have created other beings? To share in it.” -Timothy Keller

Heavenly Father, I pray that during this season we who are canopied by dark clouds can remember and rejoice in the fact that You are a loving God who sent His one and only Son to be Immanuel. Please help us rejoice on sunny days and stormy days. Stir our hearts to embrace the love and joy you pour out to your people. To share in it with You. Thank you for sharing your infinite love with us. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.