“Music is enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime is not enough for music.” -Sergei Rachmaninoff

“Some nights I would lie in bed in such terrible pain, yet I would be so glad. I would sing from my bed to an audience of One.” -Joni Eareckson Tada

I’ve had a lot of different post ideas churning in my head, and I’ve gotten some of them out on paper. But then something else comes along, and I’m convinced I have to stop my current post draft and move on to the newest idea. I’ve wanted to write about some great Charles Spurgeon sermons, some really great Joni Eareckson Tada talks, or even work up the nerve to put out some poems I’ve been working on. Since I started this blog, I’ve told myself that I would not publish posts on a whim but pray about them, sit on them for a while, and put out honest, raw feelings and experiences to glorify the name of Jesus and help others turn to Him when it’s hard. So today I want to connect some incredibly heartfelt and encouraging words from Joni Eareckson Tada with some of the most wonderful collection of sounds I’ve ever heard in Anna Fedorova’s performance of Rachmaninoff’s 2nd Piano Concerto. I have not taken as much time thinking about this blog post as usual, but I feel it speaks to the difficult sufferings I have been experiencing lately. 

In her speech to those attending the 2016 National Conference for the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation, Joni speaks on strong emotions and what she does with them. She said that one of the verses she has clung to for many years while enduring the pain, emotions, and complications of being a person with quadriplegia is 1 Peter 2:21.

MSG: “This is the kind of life you’ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.”

ESV: “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.”

I’ve been having a particularly hard time lately with waves of anxiety and depression trapped in a neurodivergent brain. When I have a string of days or weeks where sleep is hard to come by, I can easily become overwhelmed and stressed about the anxiety, mood changes, and racing thoughts that follow. These negative thoughts and extreme emotions find nourishment and take root in sleepless nights. The difficulty and despair this causes are hard to describe. I try everything I can to calm myself (listening to soothing sounds, meditating on the Word of God, praying, reading, talking to myself). Still, when nothing helps and the sleep deprivation seems endless, I am overtaken by a sense of hopelessness and frustration. I ignore God in my anger until I finally cry out to Him and ask Him why I must go through this constantly. Where’s the relief, God? Preferably, the permanent kind.

The Joni YouTube video was a helpful salve to my despondency about not being able to sleep and the mental anguish that came along with it. I tried to take in her words and experiences as much as I could, even though the sleeplessness and dysregulation continued. Sometimes listening to my favorite classical music pieces helps relax me or inspires me to put my suffering in perspective and praise God for those moments of sheer beauty. This happened yesterday when I watched Anna Fedorova’s performance of Rachmaninoff’s 2nd Piano Concerto. This particular video has over 45 million views on YouTube. It is a very popular piece and my absolute favorite piano concerto. It is a stunning masterpiece filled with unfiltered emotions written by a 28-year-old man familiar with depression. Sergei Rachmaninoff was a masterful pianist and desperately wanted to compose great music, even though his piano teachers discouraged it. Sergei was brought down really low into his own despair after his first symphony drew harsh criticism and extremely negative comments. He stopped composing for a while, feeling uninspired and depressed. He wasn’t expecting that poor of a reception, and it sunk him. He started seeing a therapist during this depressive season. Through those years of receiving therapy, he composed his second piano concerto, the first piece to premiere after the flop of his first symphony. It was a great success and arguably his best composition. 

Here is the link to Fedorova’s performance. Even if you don’t understand or listen to classical music much, I ask that you take about 38 minutes of uninterrupted time to take in the wonder of a creation born out of sounds given to us by our Creator. My absolute favorite part is about 20-24 minutes in.

I do not know much about Anna Fedorova other than she is a brilliantly talented Ukrainian pianist who plays what many think to be the best version of all Rachmaninoff’s piano concertos. I’m not, nor will I ever be, a musician of her caliber. Not even close. But I do know what it takes to be a professional musician of that magnitude. Yes, the knack for and talent to play an instrument at a young age are extremely important for concert musicians. They do possess a natural talent that is God-given. But there are also many arduous years of study and thousands upon thousands of hours of practice required to play at Anna’s level. I’m sure she has had many days of practice that made her fingers bleed and some days where she couldn’t even feel her fingers. These musicians practice so incredibly hard for so long that they can give the audience a raw, emotional, and moving experience we all crave from the pit of our souls. 

It wasn’t only this performance that moved me to tears; reading the comments from this video deeply connected me to not only fellow musicians but fellow humans who have suffered much. 

“I am 95 and have listened to this beautiful Rachmaninoff concerto all my life by many virtuosos. This interpretation by Anna Fedorova ranks among the finest. Beautiful technique full of pathos. Brings joy during these sad days of lockdown under COVID.”

“When one lays their hands on a musical instrument to play in front of others, they are laying their souls bare to show the world. It’s a vulnerability few can ever understand. . .”

“At 15 years old, I attended my first concert. Rachmaninoff’s 2nd was played. I did not know that such beautiful and emotional music could make you cry. Of course, I do now. That was in 1958, and I was a very young man. It still brings a tear to the corner of my eye.”

“This was the last piece of music my father listened to days before passing away. I still miss him dearly, and every time I listen to it, I have nothing but tears in my eyes.”

“A story without words. How could anyone not understand? We live in a broken world, surrounded by darkness, and that darkness is surrounded by a great light. There is warfare in the darkness that plays out in our world. ‘The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.’ John 1:5″

What does the Joni video I watched have to do with Anna’s performance of Rach. 2? Just like I experienced the fantastic talent of Anna and saw her emotions being poured out on 88 black and white keys so the audience may receive this beauty, I witnessed Joni pour out her emotions on the extreme, chronic suffering she has endured for many years. I believe this is so I may see I’m not alone in suffering. Both of these women gave me a perspective to see and feel the goodness of God.

In her excellent talk on battling pain and experiencing emotion, Joni said something that struck me and perfectly connected the two videos in my mind. She described living through harrowing moments, being a quadriplegic, and being diagnosed with cancer as splash overs of hell. So then she and her husband started wondering what splash overs of heaven were like. Joni resolved to say, “Splash overs of heaven are finding Jesus in your splash overs of hell. There’s nothing more sweet than finding Jesus with you, right in the middle of your hell.”

I venture to guess that Anna’s splashovers of hell consist of endless days of practicing, years and years of studying a piece of music, and feeling like she’s not making progress. Then, her splashovers of heaven are like this performance. She not only played it so well, but she also brought people together to experience the value of music and the One who created it.

In church, we just finished the powerful, beautiful story of Habakkuk, a minor prophet. The last sermon on our journey through the book of Habakkuk had me thinking of this post. Habakkuk transformed from an angry man questioning God about how long he would let his people suffer to receiving an answer and praising God for everything. At the very end of the book, he could say, “The Lord is my strength.” (v. 19a) The point of this sermon (I think) was to see Habakkuk as an example to find invincible joy in the Lord, no matter what circumstances may be around us. “When we view God as our backup generator, we are saying that we treasure Him, but we don’t put Him at the center of our joy.” (Pastor Will Bostian)

“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.” Habakkuk 3:17-19 (ESV)

Joni’s story shows me her journey to make God the center of her joy. Anna’s performance reminds me that an all-powerful, merciful, loving God in heaven watches over me and has given me music to help turn my gaze to Him. 

Did I fall asleep soundly after watching these videos? Nope. Did my horrible headache and sleepless nights subside? Nope. But Joni helped me relate to her in her suffering and cling to the cross of Christ. Then, remembering what she said and pouring out her emotions in her video, I could experience the splash over of heaven when watching and listening to Anna’s performance and reading profoundly beautiful comments from fellow listeners. I knew Jesus was listening to Anna with me and helping me to press on and find my joy in Him while still having sleepless nights and despairing thoughts. I endure because He endured. Like Peter said, He has given me an example of how to suffer because he suffered for me. Hallelujah. 

Heavenly Father, I pray for all of us who have felt challenging emotions for what seems like forever. I pray we turn our gaze towards Your Son, who loved us before the beginning of time. I pray that we find other words of encouragement or songs that help us change our perspective and put You at the center of our joy. In Jesus’ name, Amen.