**Trigger Warning** This post contains language of mental health disorders, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. Reader’s discretion is advised. If you are in crisis, please call, text or chat with the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255), or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741

”For in our suffering, not apart from it, Jesus enters our sadness, takes us by the hand, pulls us gently up to stand, and invites us to dance.” -Henri Nouwen

”Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

“I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health. You brought me up from the grave, O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death. Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones! Praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. When I was prosperous, I said, “Nothing can stop me now!” Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain. Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered. I cried out to you, O Lord. I begged the Lord for mercy, saying, “What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the grave? Can my dust praise you? Can it tell of your faithfulness? Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord.” You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭30‬:‭1‬-‭12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

O, how I can relate to David in this song of thanksgiving and praise! When I read this psalm, I feel a beam of radiant light resting on my weary soul, providing a warmer hope than the bright Texas sun. David is dedicating his house to the Lord, and I smile at his exclamations to sing the Lord’s praise and give thanks to Him forever. When I read about the darkest pit of Sheol contrasting the bright joy in the morning, I can’t help but let out a relieving sigh and say, “I want to thank you like this, Lord!”

I can relate to David and his journey from mourning to dancing, sorrow to praise. Although my life is vastly different from David’s, it gives me great encouragement to be able to relate to the man after God’s own heart.

I’ve cried out to God so many times in my life. Most of the time, I cried out as a last resort. I looked to many other people and things to help me during my weeping. I believed in God, but I didn’t put my trust in Him. I was swirling from one cycle of despondency to another while trying to maintain my grip on Jesus with my fingertips. Every time I cried out, I was met with silence. I could not hear his response, even though I desperately wanted one immediately. Frustration set in, and I thought He had left.

But He stayed with me.

I can’t count the amount of times I wanted to give up. I didn’t want to live another day with the pain wrought by my ailing mind. My moods were coming in strong waves, up and down. I was angry, exhausted from trying to survive, and felt like an empty vessel on a vast sea with no sense of direction. I was sure I belonged in the pit of Sheol, and I would never get out. Incessant cycles of depression fueled by poor coping skills and little trust in God kept my attitude stagnant, like the beginning of Psalm 13 (NLT): “O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way?” Hopelessness only increased. Weeping lasting through the night and joy coming in the morning was a verse only meant for a mug dressed in flowers and a cute font.

Faithful friends would try to help me through times when I felt hopeless and worthless. People would pray for me, check in on me, and give me books to read or songs to listen to for some relief, but nothing seemed to help. I thought God failed me because He wasn’t answering me, and now friends and loved ones were failing me. It was all about me and my suffering. When would someone step up and give me that one thing I needed but could not articulate?

It wasn’t a miraculous event all at once, but a still, small voice kept chipping away at the raucous noise of mental illness and sin. More and more, over many years, my heart and mind started transforming as I screamed out for God to help me, put down the harmful things that once were disguised as relief, and gathered up the comfort of the Holy Spirit that was inside me all along. Now I can remember (zakar) that all the times I wept until I fell asleep, I woke up in the morning with just enough strength and hope to put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t see it then, but the Lord provided that strength. Praise the Lord. I can look back on times I would usually like to forget so that I can rejoice in His provision and use those memories to help me with future suffering.

Psalm 30:9 says, “What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the grave? Can my dust praise you? Can it tell of your faithfulness?” That verse struck me as I read it this morning. Those questions help me now to remember the times I wanted to end my life. I wanted to stop all the pain and suffering, all the cycles of self-loathing, but would I be able to praise God in the fullness I praise Him now? Could I enjoy deep conversations about Jesus with my best friend, my husband? Would I be able to glorify God through music like I am now? Would I be able to write to you all about the joy I have in Christ while walking through deep suffering like I am now? Would I be able to do all of these things and experience joy if I had died? All praise to God that now I can say no to all of those questions and share with others the joy I find in exulting the name of the Lord! He has turned my mourning to dancing and allowed this branch to abide in the Vine in a deeper way than I could have ever imagined.

When I was a struggling teacher just trying to survive the weight of the anxieties of the day, there was a particular song I would listen to every single morning on my way to work. I was smack dab in the middle of a long, trying season, but I would sing these lyrics repeatedly to myself. I can now see how the Savior was with my sorrowing spirit. I blocked Him out constantly, but He was there for that 4 minutes and 19 seconds of music that brought me to the joy I have today in Psalm 30.

”When My Heart Is Torn Asunder” by Phil Wickham

You have turned mourning to dancing
You have covered me with grace
The struggle here may last a moment
But life with You will last always

There is hope beyond the suffering
Joy beyond the tears
Peace in every tragedy
Love that conquers fear
I have found redemption in the blood of Christ
My body might be dying but I’ll always be alive

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21 (ESV)

I still go through brutal battles with my mind and still have challenging circumstances to walk through, but He has shown me that he can do more with all the hard things than I can ask or think. He has loosened the mourning clothes and clothed me with gladness. Henri Nouwen’s book, Turn My Mourning Into Dancing, is one that I just discovered and started reading. I wish I had this book 12 years ago, but it seems fitting at this time in my life. It inspired me to get this post out to you and to remember who I suffer for.

“Many of us are tempted to think that if we suffer, the only important thing is to be relieved of our pain. We want to flee it at all costs. But when we learn to move through suffering, rather than avoid it, then we greet it differently. . . Suffering becomes something other than a nuisance or curse. . . but a way to deeper fulfillment. Ultimately mourning means facing what wounds us in the presence of One who can heal.” -Henri Nouwen

I turned from Him, I didn’t listen to Him, I thought I knew better than Him, but praise God that He was patient with me and never left. I can now sing to Him like David. Gladly and forever.

Lord, I pray that people can start to see what a fulfilling joy it is to suffer because You are there with them through it all. I pray that you urge us, help us to give thanks to You and sing Your praises through the weeping and the joy, the sorrow and the singing. You are worthy of all praise. In Jesus’ name, Amen.