**Trigger Warning** This post contains language of mental health disorders, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. Reader’s discretion is advised. If you are in crisis, please call, text or chat with the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255), or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741

Heavenly Father, I pray that all the readers of this post can find joy and strength in You. I pray that these words provide the readers encouragement to bring their sorrows and struggles to the One who provides everlasting love to those who come to Him. I pray these words give weary sojourners a sense of hope and understanding that they are not alone. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Psalm 84: 5-7 (NLT) “What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.”

Life in my 20s and the beginning of my 30s was rife with extreme anxiety and depression. I struggled to survive the all-consuming monster in my mind who squeezed out so much joy and hope that I felt like I had been stricken with the dementor’s kiss. Certain circumstances could provide a short reprieve with some laughter and distraction, but I continued sinking and bending to the monster’s will.

I was a low-salaried orchestra teacher with dwindling friendships and ever-intensifying problems. Going from stability to stress, then stress to deep pain, and deep pain to unhealthy coping skills, was the cycle that landed me in psychiatric hospitals a total of 15 times in 10 years. I would gain some stability with meds in the hospital, but I usually lied about how I was feeling so I could go home and not have to pay big bucks to eat lousy food and listen to the same lecture about mental health multiple times a day. I came out of the hospital, awakened like dunking my head into a giant bucket of ice water, but shaken and sweaty from the side effects of medications. Overall, the time spent in facilities away from stressors was a bad bandaid that didn’t stay on through the unpredictability of life. Suicidal ideation was always simmering and bubbling just under the surface of my smiling face until it boiled over not once but twice.

I was so close to ending my life, but a small voice told me no. A voice that at first seemed to be only my fear was later (much later) confirmed to be the warmest two letters from the One who counts all my tears because He was once acquainted with grief.

After the 15th time I was placed in a psychiatric facility for severe depression and mood issues, I knew I had to grow and nurture my relationship with Jesus because He was the only one left who could fulfill my need for joy, love, and acceptance. He was joy. He was love. He was acceptance. I was chasing after everything else but Him.

I wasn’t running after Jesus because I assumed He should be running for me anyway. I was a Christian, wasn’t I? Yes, He is always faithful, but I wasn’t listening to Him and didn’t turn towards Him. I lived in a world of trusting solely in my own strength and desires for my life. I had to do better, be better, and simply get over all the stressors and sadness. In my mind, God was an afterthought who was obligated to help me because . . . well . . . I accepted long ago that He was God. I didn’t have an intimate relationship with Him. My prayers were nothing but asking for luck since I relied only on my understanding and perseverance, which proved most unhelpful and faulty. My coin-flipping prayers and stubbornness to “get better” on my own was an endless cycle of failure and profound depression. I felt dumb, useless, hopeless. I had to honestly know (taste, see, hear over and over again) that even though I hated myself, Jesus didn’t hate me. He has always loved me more than I could fathom. *Please know that truly believing the previous two sentences is not as quick and simple as reading them. Throughout this blog, I will try to describe my journey as best I can to bridge the gap between the far-away Jesus and the Jesus that I know loves me more than I can ever understand.

After the fifteenth time in the hospital, I realized a relationship with Jesus was paramount, but where would I start?

Tim, John, and Charles. These three pastoral giants have helped me over the last 3-4 years to see and know that there is deep joy in despondency, rejoicing in suffering, and everlasting hope amid endless trials. There have been so many more brothers and sisters in Christ who have helped me in profound, genuine ways, and I will write about them as well. Yes, scripture reading, prayer, meditation, and other spiritual disciplines have played the most crucial role in my journey to better mental health. These men are just men and have fallen short of God’s glory just like the rest of us, but by the grace of God, they inspired me to press on through the pain for the sake of Christ Jesus.

I was first introduced to the writings of Tim Keller at a college ministry book club (around 2011), where we read and discussed The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism. Up to this point, I hadn’t read many Christian non-fiction books. I didn’t even know that genre existed. I thought Christian non-fiction was composed of old, dull commentaries of the Bible. My love of this genre took off after reading some of Keller’s books. His definition of the gospel was so simple: “We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time, we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”

Wow. I had never heard the gospel explained like this!

All my life (more like around age five and up), I thought I accepted Jesus into my heart, and he was there forever, but I also accepted I had to be perfect and try not to sin so he wouldn’t change his mind. I didn’t know Jesus or see evidence of him in my childhood or teen years. God was distant. In my mind, Jesus was a king, but not the kind of king described in the Bible. He was like Queen Elizabeth II (or Charles III now), who would possibly greet certain people now and then in super-controlled situations. Still, she mostly waved from her gated and protected Buckingham Palace and disappeared out of sight. The Queen was well-known across the globe, but very few knew her on a personal level. I thought I wasn’t one of the select “good enough” Christians to know Jesus on an intimate level.

Tim helped me to see I could know God on a more intimate level and that I would be bursting with joy at the first taste and sight of His sovereign goodness and abundant love. I do not want to make it seem like Tim’s books and sermons helped solve all my problems immediately. His words were little golden nuggets (see my first blog post) that helped me move into the next day or sometimes even the next moment. I will get more into Tim Keller as I write more and more entries in my blog, but I want to quote some words from his sermon, Rejoicing in Tribulation, that helped me press on to tomorrow. “The joy of the Lord happens inside the sorrow. It doesn’t replace the sorrow. It doesn’t come after the sorrow. It doesn’t come after the uncontrollable weeping. The weeping drives you into the joy, enhances the joy, and the joy enables you to actually feel your grief without it sinking you.” Thank you, Pastor Keller, for your words of encouragement that come from the Word of God. Your books and sermons helped me really see Jesus as my true friend. You are with Jesus now, and I am so happy to know you are praising His name forever.

John Piper is a pastor, preacher, and author who I felt was always talking directly to me through his books and sermons. He is best known for his book, Desiring God, and the website of the same name.

Side note: He provides A LOT of resources to those of us who have many questions along our journey to fully know Jesus Christ on his website, desiringgod.org. He answers questions from Christians and skeptics worldwide about who Jesus is and what the Bible tells us through his podcast, “Ask Pastor John.” The podcast host, Tony Reinke, recently compiled a book of the most frequently asked questions throughout the lifetime of the podcast. It is full of great information, and I urge you to listen to the podcast or read the book if there are questions about Christianity in your heart.

Ok . . . back to blessings I received from God through Pastor John. The most striking and helpful book for my sorrowful soul was Piper’s When I Don’t Desire God: How to Fight for Joy. The title alone washed me in a wave of relief when it hit my eyes. I felt like I wasn’t alone. Other people struggle with desiring God? Even John Piper? I can still put one foot in front of the other and pursue God even when I am so far down the dark pit that I do not want him at all. This book was a way for me to understand why a loving God would allow me to suffer the way that I have.

Before this big change in my heart, I thought suffering meant God was not there for me, He had turned his back on me, I had failed Him. Oh friends, it was the exact opposite. Praise God for the glimmers of hope that dashed across my eyes while reading this book. It wasn’t only this book but so many other sermons, resources, and podcasts from Pastor John that helped me truly see that every tear, every scream, every downcast head was for God’s glory. Joy doesn’t just fall on us when we want it to. There are so many times in life we have to fight for joy.

“. . . it is a good fight because it is not a struggle to carry a burden, but a struggle to let a burden be carried for us. The life of joy in God is not a burdened life. It is an unburdened life. The fight for joy is the struggle to trust God with the burdens of life. It’s a fight for freedom from worry. It’s a fight for hope and peace and joy, which are all threatened by unbelief and doubt about God’s promises.”

Thank you, Pastor John, for such strong and powerful words about a stronger and more powerful God.

If you have read Spurgeon’s Sorrows, you might know that the name of my website is a quote from that book. Out of all the books I have read to help me understand and process my unique plight of anxiety and depression, Spurgeon’s Sorrows has been the best. This book is written by Zack Eswine and not Charles Spurgeon, but Zack brings out the heart of Charles in the most magnificent ways. A combination of Spurgeon’s quotes and Zack’s wonderful dance of words struck my heart with confidence that Jesus knows my pain and suffering.

Thousands of people would pack the Metropolitan Tabernacle of London and Exeter Hall to hear Spurgeon preach in such an elegant yet direct way. He was a preacher in London during the mid-late 1800s who captivated millions with his sermons on the Word of God, and he became known as the Prince of Preachers. What surprised me the most when I learned more about him was that Charles suffered greatly from depression. He did not hide his melancholic nature and referenced the impact of this disorder from the pulpit many times. His stirring and encouraging words, along with his vast knowledge of the Bible and eloquent preaching, helped me to seek after Jesus even harder in the midst of my depression so Christ could lift the heavy blanket of shame draped over my weary back.

The brief introduction of how these three preachers have influenced my life paves the way for many encouraging and uplifting posts I wish to share with you in the future. Readers, you are always welcome to ask for prayer and an encouraging word. I know how difficult it is to confess that we sometimes cannot seem to lift any words to God. He is still there for you, and it would be my pleasure to pray for you.

“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NLT)